I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
