Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
