break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
