I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
