Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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