the condom got lost in my hair
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
