I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can't put those talents on a resume
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
