I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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