The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Your cock deserves a montage
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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