Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
