There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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