i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
