I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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