I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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