the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
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Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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