You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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