I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
