i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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