my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i wish my penis had a tongue
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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