Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
