This is not my ceiling
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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