Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
