Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
