Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
