1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
