My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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