Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
