Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
