I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
