I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
