Who did Billy Mays play for?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
