just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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