I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
