im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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