I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
