My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
