I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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