someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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