Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
