the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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