I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
