drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It's official drugs can't kill me
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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