They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
