Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
