i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
