She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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