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i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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