Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
