I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
