When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
