That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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