he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
