my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
