I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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