Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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