Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
They have beer where we have blood.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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