I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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