I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
