so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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