my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
